This is such an
interesting but funny one from the able Reuben Abati.
Read the article
Below..
“My brother, I think
all the people saying they have not seen any change should by now be convinced
that truly, truly, the game has changed.” “Football? Euro 2016? Brexit?” “What
is wrong with you?” “Or may be you are talking about the death of Stephen Keshi
and Shuaibu Amodu and the fact that Nigeria’s House of Football needs to be
re-organized”
“I
really don’t know what the matter is with you today. I always try to engage you
in a conversation because I consider you smart, but your responses don’t make
sense to me.”
“Game
change. Well. I studied a bit of game theory in school not as a student of
political science but as a generally curious student.”
“Who
is talking about game theory?”
“Game
theory is about political marketing, the relation between structure and agents,
how power is deployed, structuration, the framework of power, the politics of
structural and collective agency.”
“When
you are tired of boring yourself, you will keep quiet. I am just saying the
game has changed in Nigeria. I guess that is simple enough so stop quoting text
books.”
“Ha,
I get you now. I recall that the former Chairman of the PDP, during the
election was snick-named the game-changer. Everywhere he went everyone said
game-changer!”
“If
you are dumb, or pretending to be dumb, good for you. I am talking about
today’s Nigeria, you are talking about the past. Can’t you see, don’t you hear,
don’t you feel it, that indeed, contrary to what we used to think, something
indeed has changed…”
“Tell
me.”
“Me?
You mean I, me, myself?”
“What
is that?”
“If
you mean I, me, myself, I have nothing to say. And please note that because the
times have changed, I have developed all kinds of problems with my senses.”
“Then
you should go to London for treatment.”
“God
punish you for saying that. Do you want to put my family in trouble? I forbid
you to talk carelessly anywhere I am. If you are looking for trouble, go and
look for it on your own. My mid-year resolution is that I will not hear any
evil, speak any evil and see no evil.”
“Is
that your game that has changed?”
“Na
you sabi?”
“I
think your problem is that you are afraid. You are just like all these other
people who have forgotten that there is a Freedom of information Law in this
country”
“Hen
hen. Who in this country has any law helped to put food on the table for his
family? This man, be careful.”
“Feel
free. Let’s analyze recent developments in the country.”
“As
in…”
“The
floating of the Naira”
“The
Naira is floating eh. Good. So how many Nigerians have gone to the lagoon
to pick up Naira free of charge, since the Naira started floating?”
“There
is just one market now. “
“Hun
hun.”
“Say
something man. You are usually very intelligent and vocal.”
“I
hear”
“Fayose,
the Ekiti Governor and Ben Murray Bruce commented on this matter.”
“I
am warning you, the way you are putting your hands in my mouth, I will call my
wife to warn you to stay away from me henceforth.”
“What
has your wife got to do with this?”
“Because
you want to put our God-loving family in trouble.”
“Because
you don’t want to talk critically about public issues?”
“You
can say what you like?”
“Look
at the Fayose issue. Even Zenith Bank like you is scared. They have disowned
Fayose. Everybody today is sucking up and bootlicking. I hope someone will tell
Zenith Bank and other banks that they all failed in their fiduciary
responsibilities. The rule of banking says KYC: Know Your Customer. You can’t
use ojukokoro to collect money and then turn around to say you don’t
know. I also think a bank has a responsibility to report unusual transactions,
the moment it happens not ex post facto.”
“Well
done”.
“And
as for Ben Murray Bruce, the commonsense Senator. You can’t borrow money and
start behaving as if you have more sense than your creditor.”
“This
man. What is wrong with you? You are also a businessman and you once told me
you are terribly exposed financially. Talk with some sense. If AMCON takes over
every company, they will add to the unemployment crisis in the country and
punish innocent people. AMCON is taking over too many companies. Fact. ”
“I
am talking sense”
“And
I am saying these times we are in requires more than commonsense. It requires
uncommon sense, tact and intellect, and a proper understanding of nonsense
because what you call commonsense will just get you into trouble.”
“Ok,
tell me”
“No
comment. In this matter, I have neither sense, commonsense or uncommon sense.”
“I
see. I see. The game has changed truly. Everybody with sense, even small sense
is beginning to shut up and shut down. Tragic”
“Who
has sense helped? The game has changed…I will not join you to say I have
sense.”
“I
am beginning to suspect you.”
“I
will call your wife and ask her to advise you to avoid satanic conversations
anytime you are with me.”
“You?”
“Yes.
Me.”
“We
cannot keep silent. This country belongs to all of us.”
“Good
for you.
“We
must talk, talk, and talk, on twitter, on instagram, on television, on the
pages of newspapers.”
“Yes.
Yes. Yes. And your wahala when it comes will also be televised, twitterised,
instagramised, and newspaperized. You better borrow yourself uncommon sense.”
“Like
Zenith Bank hen?”
“I
think you should start going home now.”
“I
also hear some militants are claiming that they are being instigated to
continue pipeline vandalism and organize against the state.”
“Nobody
is organizing anything in my house. Come, how has my wife wronged you, that you
want to bring calamity to our household?”
“It
s our job to criticize public affairs.”
“It
is our job to support government, so that when government succeeds, we too can
succeed.”
“From
your mouth?”
“Honestly,
from my mouth.”
“Now,
I am beginning to understand.”
“Understand
whatever you want. Change is here. Have you not heard that in Cameroon, the
parliament is debating a bill that makes adultery a crime. The deal is to have
you spend between two and six months in the senior college if you go do napoi
anyhow, so it is better to be careful and to control.
“I
know some napoi people in Nigeria.”
“Like
you, yourself?”
“We
know who the adulterers are. Like the National Assembly people who are now in
court for forgery. You commit political adultery, you run a risk.”
“This
man, can you shut up? Stop talking like this at a pepper soup joint. Do you
know who and who is eavesdropping on us?”
“With
this loud music and with the way everybody is busy with pepper soup and isi
ewu?”
“Just
shut the hell up.”
“Iyalaya
anybody who wants to rob me of commonsense.”
“You
too have changed.”
“Iyalaya
change”
“Just
shut the fuck up”
“So
life is like this?”
“Life
is like what”
“If
anybody told me”
“That
the iyalaya of social critics will face moving trailer.”
“That
you will sound like this”
“At
an open joint, with drunken souls eating pepper soup and half crazy? I
have told you, whenever you want to hear sense from my mouth, choose a
different location.“
“Truth
is not selective. It should thunder forth from everywhere no matter whose ox is
gored”
“Gore
your own ox, leave us out of it. As for me and my house, we shall support
change.”
“This
is a loser’s creed. The sacrament of the defeated.”
“You
will still go and blow this your grammar in a cell, very soon. And you’d be
surprised if I am asked to testify against you, I will gladly wear a mask and
do so.”
“Me?”
“Yes,
you. You can’t make me guilty by association”
“What
kind of life is this oh?”
“What
kind of stupid man is this oh?”
“Like
seriously?”
“Like
I know suicide is bad, even God forbids it.”
“As
in…”
“Can
we change this subject? Ha ha, wetin? Stop putting your isi ewu hands
in my mouth.”
“What
a country? What manner of a citizen? With people like you, democracy is on
trial.”
“Forget
matter. Even in America democracy is on trial. Even in Britain, right now
democracy is on trial.”
“Power
is dangerous. Powerlessness is worse.”
“When
you use power to serve your purpose, everybody will know where they belong. As
you see me so, I won’t discuss power at a pepper soup joint.”
“What
of on twitter?”
“Twitter?
So I can get into trouble?”
“But
you have a twitter account?”
“I
have deleted it to avoid temptations.”
“You
have indeed changed”
“I
have oh”
“You
have lost your power of expression”
“It
is better oh”
“You
have become gentle”
“Look
for a stronger word, please”
“You
have lost your caustic tongue”
“My
tongue still dey kampe, but I am intelligent enough to use it now only
on ponmo and cow leg.”
“Change”
“Go
and ask the people who refused to change.”
“Human
beings are chameleons”
“Can
you get off my back? Oya, take the pepper soup and finish it. You can’t
because you are paying for cheap pepper soup force me into trouble. Take your
pepper soup. I am out of here.”
“Na
fight? Finish your pepper soup.”
“I
don’t want. You finish the rest or look for another mumu like you to
finish it. This is amazing”
“Amazing
as in the spread of mumuism. Go to Zenith Bank.”
“I
can only wish you good luck”
“Same
to you. Chop your pepper soup finish.”
“No”
“Next
time, I’ll talk to that your Ph.D friend and report you to him. He should be
more sensible”
“Hmm.
Carry your wahala go. Who sense don epp?”
“Happy
International Widows Day”
“Say
that to your wife. She needs it. Yeye man”
0 comments:
Post a Comment